Tremendous Blondette

Until yesterday, I’d never cried on an airplane. In fact, I try to keep crying, particularly crying in public, to a minimum. It embarrasses me and the shame and awkwardness I feel is just unnecessary when I already feel shame and awkwardness due to my weight. I went through a phase where nothing reached me and I simply did not feel that burning leap that comes with the rush of whatever happy or sad emotion generates the crying response. And then it was back. And it was really back. So back that very small things would bubble up. In fact, I can’t card shop at Hallmark these days without welling up (I’m not kidding here, just so you know.)

On that flight I came to realize that I’m depressed. Officially and completely, depressed. The signs and symptoms have been around for months, but I’ve been trying to slog through them and for whatever reason, I am simply no longer able to “slog.” If I’m not sad, I’m angry. If I’m not angry, I’m anxious. I have no motivation to keep a clean house or make myself presentable. It’s some sort of miracle that I’ve kept any momentum on eating healthier and exercising given my motivation issues. I can only hope this means that the worst has come and I’m pulling out of the trance because I’m doing something to save myself.

So now, I look to my family, friends, God, and I turn inward…and I take Xanax.

I ended up starting a new blog for all of my “I’m soo fat! *waaaah waaaah waaahh*” posts. On it, I actually will talk about my continued quest to eat healthy and figure out how to incorporate exercise back into my life. Here’s the URL: http://fatladykatie.wordpress.com/

It’s the busy season at work (yes, I know it’s always busy, but this is the busiest!) so I’m doing a lot more traveling and pulling longer (yes, it’s possible) hours than usual. I struggled earlier this year with balance and motivation. As I approach my 30th birthday I spend more time evaluating my goals and the current state of my life. I’ve devoted my twenties to my career, but I also know that as a woman, the longer I wait to fulfill my other goals/dreams of having a family, the harder it will be to fulfill them. It’s scary. It’s scary to think that I may never have those other things and that I will have to seek purpose and joy from my career alone. I’m pretty sure the consistent weight gain of the past 7 months is directly correlated to my stress over my life evaluation. I stop and wonder “who’s going to want me?” It depresses me so I put it out of my mind and focus on something else – thus avoiding the problem all together.

So, what do you do readers? How do you face the music?

Also, I’m blonde again.

A phenomena that I’ve observed since adulthood – things I would say, do, or feel are different based on the time of day. I don’t wake up wanting to go to happy hour in the evening. I feel like sitting in my big red chair with coffee and my laptop until my own odor motivates me to bathe.

What I write in a post is different based on the time of day and I often work on a post several times before I actually publish it so it gets some of the morning me and nighttime me. Balance, just for you. *wink*

I am much more forthright at night or after half a pot of coffee. (or 10 drinks) I’ve discovered an inability to share specific thoughts and feelings only in certain situations. Work and family – you got it. Friends and “friends” – there is a hesitation at times – a fear.

That same shield I use in those relationships covers this blog. I could write with greater directness and clarity at times, but to what end?

When I was 10, 12, 18, who knows at this point, I used to soak up the sunshine with CMT or the radio and just absorb the time. Today, as I work through all of the clothing and linens I own (Day 2!) it’s the same feeling – years later, my gut hurts, my lungs twitch, and my eyes water. Looking through my cousin’s pictures on Facebook, seeing her life and knowing the somewhat normal path she will have puts me in a little bit of a funk.

One of my biggest hangups in life, the one for which I’m still stuck, is the normalcy the “how did I deviate from that?” Why not me? I tried to catch up very quickly in college and succeeded in only superficial ways. It wasn’t what I wanted. It wasn’t what I needed. And then I gave up. I lost hope. And the I regained it…and lost it. I continue to live this cycle.

I’m letting the sun into my bedroom and I look out and see a man running and something inside kicks. (no, I’m not pregnant) I try too hard to make things happen. To make them what I picture. To make them what I see around me.

On a good note, I’m organizing and purging so I’m not hanging on to old things. But what do you do when there’s old stuff you want to hang on to? Stuff you shouldn’t. Stuff you should put down in peace.

At what point do we both feel and express our emotions – fully, deeply – and at what point do we let our rational thought quell the emotional bits? When is it okay to feel and act without restraint? And if we never let ourselves feel or act, do we cheat ourselves and keep spinning, a blur of hope, joy, love, fear, anger, disappointment and sadness?

QBQ! The Question Behind the Question: Practicing Personal Accountability in Work and in Life by John G. Miller

My rating: 4 of 5 stars
My company used to have a book club in which the entire staff participated. Prior to my becoming a full time employee with the company and being included in this activity, they read “QBQ!” The book continues to be referenced by executive management and our Account Service Department is reading the book together. Well, I couldn’t be left out, so I had to buy it and read it for myself. I learned a few of the principles in this book though my own failings earlier in life (okay, within the last 12 years) and truly believe in the power of personal accountability. I take away an even greater depth to some of the basics I’ve already embraced and something I can share as I coach my team at work. No, I can’t change them, but I can share this book. Favorites for me: you always have a choice (I’ve been saying this for years.) Stress is a choice. Think in “I” terms not them. Do not adopt victim mentality. It’s energizing to read a book and flip your thinking.

View all my reviews >>

I spent many hours watching “This Emotional Life” on KCPT2 (local PBS) today. It was well constructed and interesting, but then again, I’m into psychology and educational television. (When I don’t have cable, I tend to watch lots of public television.)

Back on track, the show is actually a series in 3 parts (and I saw all 3.) It dives into human social interaction and emotions, balancing theory with case studies and research.

The good news? You can watch it online. I encourage you to check it out.

http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/

Fear can hold you back or make you stronger. It is your choice. Okay so I’m still afraid of or don’t enjoy heights or amusement parks but I tried them. I faced them.

Here’s a few fears I plan to address in 2010 – with a giant RAWR right in their faces – there might even be a little spit too.

1. Personal trainer. I have always been too wimpy and self indulgent to try working with a personal trainer. I’m afraid of being pushed, being uncomfortable, being less than great at something, and not being in control. The sad thing is by giving in to that fear I cheat myself of the progress and strength I could be gaining.

2. Telling people how I feel. Yep. I have trouble with simple stuff. I tend to fear rejection and ridicule and make myself less open.

Me with the key to my house. They aren't lying when they say you have to sign a lot of papers. And initial. I started misspelling my last name-- all FOUR letters of it. And Catherine is a kind of a long first name. But there I am with my key! My reward for not so awesome penmanship and a few thousand dollars. (or so) My hair looks great!

Okay, well now I’m off to go play at Home Depot and Hobby Lobby. tee hee.

I was just watching DMB (Dave Matthews Band) on Austin City Limits and it’s the first time since the death of LeRoi Moore than I’ve watched the band. I was DEVOTED to this band through college. I drove to Chicago, Nashville, St. Louis to see them. (doesn’t sound so impressive when I see it typed out- but keep in mind I drove those distances alone in my little Saturn…yeah, still not that impressive.) I thought about trips to further destinations but time and money were factors.

I connected with the music. The lyrics, the rhythm, the melody the emotion.

My first real exposure was when my flute teacher gave me a cassette tape of Crash so I could listen to the sax. (“LeRoi Moore on the saxophone!”) It was cool, but I wasn’t hooked at that point. Sometime in college I started to listen to them more and then I had a neighbor who was a bit of a fanboy and my crush on him didn’t hurt my growing like for the band. He showed me new ways to get the music, a community of people who followed the band, and then it was pretty much settled: I was a Dave Matthews Band fangirl.

I waded into the forums and eventually became a well-known top poster. I met people from the boards at the shows. I got very close with several people throughout the time. In fact today, I am still in contact with some of the people I met through the boards. I know of several marriages and relationships that were formed through the boards and meet-ups that occurred. People  found their best friends and soulmates because of the Internet and The Dave Matthews Band.

I devoured anything Dave Matthews or Dave Matthews Band. I had stickers on my car. I had all of the music, including the things you could only get online or from other sources. Rare tune or show, got it. One of the great things about DMB was their openness to sharing live recordings of their music. It’s how they spread. In the community, you were elite if you were pals with or were a taper.

There were levels of fans; real fans with live shows quoting date and location and then there were the Crash girls- the stereotype frat boys and sorority girls. There is a stereotype associated with DMB fans: pot smoking, drunks. While it’s true that there are some people who fit this mold (yes, I meant to leave out the “u”), a lot of the fans are just your everyday (hahaha) folks going to school and work.

But I tell you, I knew people of all ages, backgrounds, and income level and they were all in it for the same reason I was: they connected with the music. Some people outgrew the music and the band. That’s okay. What they didn’t out grow was the other fans.

Somewhere along the road of the past 3 years I’ve lost a few things; my workout routine and DMB included. I still get that jolt when I hear DMB on the radio, my iPod, or in a store but they don’t dominate my music listening habits.

I’ve never felt the need to meet the band, in fact, it kind of scared me. If I ever did I’d likely say thanks for making music because it brought me a connection to people I wouldn’t have known. It made me part of a community. It gave my emotions melody.

How many times have you been asked to describe yourself? Whether it be in a social networking profile, a dating site, a job interview, a date, a test, or a crappy ice-breaking session.

Choose. Choice. What you are. Who you are. What you do.

It all adds up to the definition of you.

I define myself by work. Cats. Alone. Funny. Blonde.

You’re given a certain number of words or characters to describe yourself-

For example here’s my “definition of me” on Twitter:
Fruitcake with Nice Frosting; Internet Marketer, Former-Vegan, Cat Owner; Blogger

Right, I’m not a natural when it comes to cleaning and keeping my home in a state of domestic bliss. My priorities have never been with housekeeping and chores. For some, they cannot rest until everything is put away or washed. Eh. As long as I have a path and a place to park my ass, I’m good. Or so I thought.

My friends have all taught me bits of how to keep house. I learned some from my parents, but most of what I do now, was done with a little help from my friends.

One, I’m a packrat. OMG. I’ve gotten better about this and learned that one must assess things in the following way: Is this something I’d miss if I threw it away or gave it away? Have I used this in the past month? Do I need it? Is it replaceable?

Two, I work a lot. And truth be told, when I get home from work I really don’t feel like cleaning.

From Tara, I learned to embrace compartmentalization, aka use of boxes and bags.

From April, I learned that she’s way better at organizing my cleaning supplies than I’ll ever be. April helped me clean and organize my kitchen before Thanksgiving last year and she helped me clean out and organize my desk. She dove right in, threw shit out, and grouped things in logical sense.

From Tammi, I learned how to complete the laundry process.  Let me clarify. For me, doing laundry has always involved digging out the items I care about from a pile of everything dirty and clean (because the clean stuff ends up mixed in with the dirty, thus making it dirty again) and putting them in the washer. After they are dried, I usually either use them straight from the dryer, or I put them on my bed…where they often end up on the floor. Yes, my process did not involve actually putting the laundry away. This lead to a carpet of laundry in my bedroom and the need to shut the bedroom door if guests are over. Slightly inconvenient if you know what I mean.

My brother, Brian, re-organized my kitchen cabinets (by the way, I’ve been spelling that word incorrectly for years) for me. Yep.

What I learned about cleaning: it really doesn’t take that much time. It’s when you let it pile up and get backlogged that it takes a lot of time and effort. Well, son of a bitch. You’d think that alone would motivate me. Right? HAHAHAHA. Oh dear.

This is not to say I’m completely incompetent when it comes to housekeeping. I’m actually quite detail-oriented in most of my life and great at things like bill-paying and budgeting. I’m also great with furniture re-organization and moving. In fact, moving my furniture usually motivates me to clean. It clears my chi and brings a bit of zen. When I do clean, it’s usually not half-assed. Part of being a perfectionist is the mentality of all or nothing. I don’t usually like to do things unless I know I’ll succeed.

So, here’s to working on my habits and becoming a domestic goddess…in training.