Tremendous Blondette

In all my laziness, I seem to have given up cooking. This evening I was craving a grilled chicken breast and was hopeful when I saw them at my local Price Chopper. I’ve had delicious grilled breastes from the downtown market and really hoped maybe the same would be true for my northland branch. Nope.

I ate half of it caveman style but alas, it may become a cat treat.

Don’t cry for me though – I ate .6lbs of Asian Slaw (aka cabbage.) Cry for you because whew! cabbage.

In the Year 2000…men around the world will suddenly stop what they’re doing, break into a knowing smile, nod slowly, and hug themselves with an appreciative rush that they were created as men. The severe appreciation will propel them to new research to alleviate the suffering of women everywhere and on January 15th, 2010 a breakthrough will be achieved. They’ll disrupt the space time continuum, launching back to that day in the Year 2000, taking the knowledge with them, and reducing suffering of women worldwide and thus, women everywhere will suddenly stop what they’re doing, break into a knowing smile, nod slowly, and hug themselves with an appreciate rush that men now bear all children.

* Facebook wouldn’t let me post this as my status update because it was too long

I have a nemisis. It is the giant snow plowed mound of snow to the left (or right) of my driveway. In fact, I hate the plow mounds everywhere. Somehow, I ended up with the largest plow mound on the block.

Tonight’s idea was so exciting that I can’t sleep until I share it with you. (really, I got out of my toasty bed and am now sitting on the floor in my guest room by the window where I can feel the cold seeping though)

Yes, I have a plan to repurpose my mound and yours! All mounds be gone! We are going to get bull dozers (or whatever those big scoopy trucks are) and dump trucks and haul the snow away to a field. In that field we shall create the largest snowman ever. Or an igloo. Or an ice cream shoppe.Or an entire city.

I think it’s a practical approach to Kansas City’s snow removal problem. “We built this city…we built this city on snow snow snow!!!”

My qualifications are pretty simple so you’d think I’d be attached, but apparently they’re not as simple as I think.

So here are the things that will win my heart and undying love:

1. You can fill in my trivia knowledge gaps. (sports, movies, and some music)
2. You have mad winter weather driving skills and can chauffeur my ass around town when it snows or other such winter storms invade.

Hmm, that’s about it right now.

Screw being funny. Screw having a job. Screw being fiscally responsible. Screw being interesting. Screw being attractive. (beauty is in the eye of the beholder)

Apply within.

Bonus points if you are willing to do the following household chores:

1. Put laundry away. I’ll sort it and wash it. You just have to hang it up or put it in the dresser.
2. Clean the litter box. Come on. No one likes cleaning a box full of shit and piss.
3. Vacuum. The sound still bugs me.
4. Handle routine car maintenance.

In exchange, you get all of the following:

1. I’ll cook.
2. I’ll grocery shop.
3. I’ll do the dishes. (I HATE hand washing dishes, but if that’s what it takes, I’ll do it. Because I love you.)
4. I’ll take out the trash.
5. I’ll do the laundry. (remember, you just have to put it away.)
6. I’ll sweep and mop.
7. I’LL CLEAN THE BATHROOMS.
8. I’ll clean the kitchen.
9. I’ll look pretty.
10. I’ll…wait, my family reads this. Use your imagination for #10.

Remember, I’m hilarious, sweet, and pretty smart. And I make my own money.

CAUTION! If you do NOT want me to fall in love with you, please do none of the above. Do not demonstrate superior trivia or winter weather driving skills. Do not demonstrate an ability to keep house. Do not in any way prove to be useful, lovable, or interesting.

Think this would make a good ad?

The cooler weather has brought with it  the static value of my open bedroom window. The bedroom window is the only window that can be opened more than 1.5 inches due to torn screens and curious cats. (if they get through the screen in the bedroom they’ll just end up on the balcony. When they get out through the living room, they’re on a 2 inch cement “ledge” 2 stories up- yes, this has happened and yes, I freaked out both times.)

Now, let me provide you with some geography and logistical data: my building faces another building; balcony to balcony with a slight elevation difference making my second story bedroom line up with the first floor units in the facing building. My bed is in front of my window to take the best advantage of the breeze. If I lie in bed, I can stare directly at the building across the way.

The occupants of the 1st floor unit, and their compatriots, (I actually have no idea who lives there to be honest- it’s a one bedroom apartment and there’s always multiple people there! in fact, it’s a junior one bedroom which means it has a really small living room with no dining area) like to sit/stand outside to smoke, chat, and drink at night. They usually don’t start until after 10pm and don’t stop until some time after I’ve drifted off to sleep (I’m always asleep before 1am, usually more like 11pm.) Hmm, maybe they’re vampires. No wait, they’re just early twenty-somethings.

So there I am, in bed with a trashy book, and I keep getting distracted by the proximity of live people saying dumb things. Obviously, I had to grab my Blackberry and get the UberTwitter up and running (okay, so, maybe, just maybe I already had my phone and was already on Twitter)

I judge them. I do. They are all early twenties where they are still forming who they are going to be and still screwing and screwing up at random because it’s not “real” yet and I’m in a different phase of my twenties, the-countdown-to-thirty twenties. I moved into this phase when I turned 28. I saw my 30th birthday on a calendar and realized it was sooner rather than later, and of course, my brother actually turned 30 which means I’m not far behind. I’m in the “holy shit when did I become an adult!?” part of my twenties. Today I actually cleaned for no reason other than it was time to clean. I wasn’t expecting guests or the landlord or dealing with a major bought of ickiness. Keep in mind I don’t think we ever stop screwing and screwing up, but our lessons change as we get older. I mean, my life is no longer structured around penny pitchers, dance beats, well drinks and hello boys!

But what do I know about these neighbors? They play darts, they smoke (but not in the apartment), they used to drink a lot when they were 18 (every day according to one fellow!), they work in the service industry (one of the girls worked as a server at Cracker Barrel and the other was talking about serving but I never caught the name of the establishment), and that’s about it.

Was I any different or any better? What did I say when I was drinking and playing darts and unwinding? Yeah, dumb things. But not as dumb as the 1st floorers.

I kept waiting for them to notice me across the way. I made no effort to hide myself, my light was on, curtain fully open, but maybe the railing hid me. I continue to be interested in my neighbors on all sides.

What I really ask is, when did I get so much older than my neighbors? It sure would be nice to be friends with my neighbors, but I have nothing but big sister to give the folks who live in my immediate vicinity.

Hey, at least there’s no missing body being carried out by the vampire screwups.

In a few weeks I’ll have a brand new set of neighbors to stalk and judge! Maybe I’ll find some new friends.

It’s true, I was nearly arrested at the local coffee shop this morning as I enjoyed my almond poppyseed muffin and soy latte.

Having survived an intense week with my morale intact, but my energy slightly depleted, okay significantly depleted (is it naptime yet?), I decided there was no reason to change out of my Missouri State tee (it’s a privilege to be a Bear) and Snoopy (THE RED BARON!) pjs, nor did I feel it necessary to tame my bedheaded, floofy hair. (hey I showered before bed so I’m clean at least!)

I think my appearance was a surprise. I do generally muster up the initiative to at least put on a pair of jeans and a shirt and control my hair, but not today. Now that you have that pretty picture in your head, let’s move on.

Not long after my arrival at the coffee shop, Tammi said hi to a patron who had just entered the shop. When I turned around I was staring at a uniformed, on-duty member of the Kansas City Police Department. (he confirmed that Cops hover at QuikTrip)

Being the punchy charmer that I am, I joked a bit to break the ice (okay, maybe it was a joke about saving a cat from a tree which means I’ve confused my uniformed rescue operatives, but I HADN’T HAD MY COFFEE YET). And then he took out his notebook. Dude, wait, what?

Apparently, policemen’s are now awarded points for meeting citizens. I may be receiving a call from the policeman’s supervisor to confirm that we did, in fact meet. Dear Supervisoring Police Person of Interest, this is to declare that I did in fact meet, or actually he met me, Officer Mark Carrel on July 25th at The Friendly Bean. We all chatted about our Blackberries and Officer Mark taught us many valuable items about the law and being responsible citizens. We also discovered that everyone knows Officer John Lozano. (I met him while working at KCPD Headquarters the summer after my freshman year of college.) I digress…

Somehow, my appearance (I PRETTY!) became an unlawful act. It’s true. It SHOULD be illegal to look this good so maybe I should have been arrested for disturbing the peace or “the piece.” *wink wink*

Our new buddy, Mark indicated that I was not in fact disturbing the peace and would not be arrested.

Can’t win em all.

There is a time honored tradition that comes around only once a year. It’s called “blowing shit up.” This is how men, young and old, celebrate our nation’s independence. What better way to say, “Go America!” than by making things explode. Let’s scare small animals! Let’s baffle the women-folk! You may lose a finger, but DAMN! DID YOU SEE THAT?!

Now, most of these items are illegal in city limits around the KC Metro area, but does that stop folks?! Of course not! You can’t see a law so maybe it’s not real. And, if God didn’t want them to blow shit up, he wouldn’t have places outside city limits where it’s legal to sell the necessary items.

I don’t like blowing things up, but if I had to participate, here’s what I’d blow up:

• Flarp
• A knitting project gone bad (via Tammi)
• A cake
• A jug of bubbles
• Paper Mache

…and not get caught (unless you want to.)

It’s quite simple if you want to fart in public and not get caught. Yes, these methods have been tested. In order to fart in public, and not get caught (and I’m talking really breaking wind here- rippin one, an SBD, crop dusting, etc) you must simply create diversions of sound, movement, humor, deflection, or another odor.

Here’s how it’s done:

Sound

1. drop something- a book, a passel of CDs, something that makes a loud bang, thud, or shattering noise.
2. wear loud shoes (easier for women wearing high heels)- no one will hear your fart if you wear loud click-clacky shoes! just make sure you are actually making them go click-clack when you go thrump-poot.
3. start talking loudly- you might catch someone off guard, or even out-right scare them, but they’ll be in so much shock from your scaring the crap out of them (good opportunity for them to get a fart in too- it’s a fart party!) that they won’t register any sort of disturbance in the force

Movement

1. Quickly evacuate the scene. “Haul ass” if you will.
2. The popular “crop dusting” technique would fit under this category as well- this is where you disperse a series of lower level, smaller “mini-farts” while walking.
3. Stroll off non-nonchalantly.
4. Become very interested in something just over yonder.

Humor

1. Own your fart. Laugh it off.
2. Make it into a public joke. (or a private one) Ever heard of “pull my finger?”

Deflection,

or “it was the dog.”

Okay, you can totally blame that stinker on the dog, if you’re near one, but if you’re out and about living your life and freeing your intestines of the oppression they suffer at the hand of your bean burrito, stand next to:

1. an old person- Sorry, but who’s the more likely candidate?
2. a teenage boy- again, sorry, but who’s the more likely candidate?

Another Odor

Either time the release when you are in a highly oderiffic area, or bring the odor to area.

1. gas pump- ha, yes, you too are a “gas pump” of sorts, but hey, if you’re out there, you may has well let it rip because the air is already so full of the smell of gas, what’s a little more?
2. fish counter- nothing competes with that horrid smell; I guess the fish has gone bad…
3. perfume spray- maybe you’ll make people sneeze which totally means they won’t smell your stink bomb
4. lotion smelling- HERE SMELL THIS! (heh heh)
5. flowers- mmm, take a big whiff! don’t these smell great?!

So, there you go. Those are some basic methods for farting in public. And as an added bonus, here’s a little ammunition to fuel the testing:

Things that make you fart:

1. Beans
2. Cauliflower
3. Carbonated Beverages
4. Dairy (in some people)
5. Beer
6. Artificial sugars/sweeteners
7. Broccoli
8. Apples

And how about some other causes of flatulance for good measure?

Toot-a-loo!

With all this hype and negative opinion, I thought I would set the record straight in defense of H1N1 aka Swine Flu.

1. Let’s start first with the superficial; it has a cool name! It’s catchy! [I've made the "it's catchy" joke several times and generated zero laughs though far ]
2. It’s drawing our attention away from other fun, contagious illnesses such as impetigo and STDs!
3. Remember the Bird Flu? I know, I like, totally forgot about it too!
4. It’s bringing people together in terror, hate, stupidity, and fear. Awwww, I love mob mentality.
5. Hey, at least it’s not one of the other types of Influenza A or B comprising 39,827cases in the 2007-2008 season. (Swine Flu Fail:  226 cases, 1 death) [quick math: 2007-2008 225,329 specimens were tested; 18% (39,827) were positive for Influenza comparatively something like Swine Flu or H1N1 would make up .5% of the positives.]
6. It’s reminding everyone about proper hygiene and how we spread illness.I totally saw a sign at the clinic when I took my mom to the doctor and they have those fun wipes at the grocery store!
7. The drug companies are making more money!
8. More lolcats!

Cheer up Sunshine!