Tremendous Blondette

With all this hype and negative opinion, I thought I would set the record straight in defense of H1N1 aka Swine Flu.

1. Let’s start first with the superficial; it has a cool name! It’s catchy! [I've made the "it's catchy" joke several times and generated zero laughs though far ]
2. It’s drawing our attention away from other fun, contagious illnesses such as impetigo and STDs!
3. Remember the Bird Flu? I know, I like, totally forgot about it too!
4. It’s bringing people together in terror, hate, stupidity, and fear. Awwww, I love mob mentality.
5. Hey, at least it’s not one of the other types of Influenza A or B comprising 39,827cases in the 2007-2008 season. (Swine Flu Fail:  226 cases, 1 death) [quick math: 2007-2008 225,329 specimens were tested; 18% (39,827) were positive for Influenza comparatively something like Swine Flu or H1N1 would make up .5% of the positives.]
6. It’s reminding everyone about proper hygiene and how we spread illness.I totally saw a sign at the clinic when I took my mom to the doctor and they have those fun wipes at the grocery store!
7. The drug companies are making more money!
8. More lolcats!

Cheer up Sunshine!

1. drinking Ballerina tea
2. staying in bed an extra 10 minutes
3. eating a second piece of cake
4. saying I love you
5. staying up until 3am to finish a great book
6. adopting 2 kittens
7. being too honest on your blog
8. staying up late and getting up early on Christmas Eve/Christmas Day
9. wearing a little too much makeup (rawr!)
10. waking up early to get some work done
11. spending time on your hair and makeup
12. an extra bit of time on the treadmill
13. saying yes to a tight deadline
14. joining Weight Watchers (and sticking to it!) or counting calories
15. making lists
16. saving for a down payment on a house
17. not buying the iPhone even though you have the money because of #16
18. singing out loud
19. chair dancing

Ever wonder what happens if you buy panties that are one size too big? Well folks, let me tell you about my trip to Hy-Vee yesterday. First, I was super excited this weekend to buy some new, pretty panties on sale. Maybe it’s a girl thing, but a new pair of panties every so often just adds an extra bounce in your step because you know what’s under your clothes looks goooood.

Well, I learned a valuable lesson about undies yesterday. Perhaps we all know the lesson of buying too small, but buying too big is just as tragic. Going commando in the Hy-Vee because your panties won’t stay on is not fun. Nor is going to the Hy-Vee bathroom 3 times as you contemplate which is worse: walking around with your undies clenched at your thighs, or walking around the grocery store with your panties in your purse and the special breeze only exposed privates can give you. Oh, did I forget to mention I was wearing a DRESS. It’s a really pretty black and off-whiteish Spring dress. Like my new underpants, I was excited to wear it. In fact, I had to wait for a day that was special enough for the unveiling– and I ask you, what day is better than a near 80 degree St. Patrick’s Day?

The upside? At least I didn’t have to be paranoid that my dress was tucked into my underwear, thus exposing my rear.

at Best Buy.

Here is my lesson learned and my plea to all–design your public restrooms with stalls that allow people to see clearly (but not clearly) if a stall is occupied.

Also, stall doors should lock. And you shouldn’t sit down to potty in a stall before checking to ensure that your stall does indeed lock– if there are 4 other stalls and you choose to poop in the one with the gimpy lock, well then, I feel less bad for opening the door on you.

Thank goodness all I saw was your hand.

Design smart people.

Everyone should wander around naked. As I was driving to work this morning I realized I am my biggest obstacle. Some people smoke, some people lie, some people just don’t eat right and exercise enough in the right combination. In this country, lovely wonderful country of my origin, we have a fixation with a standard of appearance and obesity. It’s an interesting paradox isn’t it? The more we advance our abilities and message about being healthy, the more we notice how fat we are.

Let me back up. Over a month ago, for some unknown reason (okay I know the reason and I just don’t want to tell you) I started classing up my look–meaning, I started wearing makeup, attempting some sort of hair fixing, and wearing decent outfits not consisting of sweatshirts and old man cardigans.

Interestingly enough, I felt better about myself. Even on a day off of the “look” I put on makeup and used–get this–the blow dryer on my hair. I looked less lazy! I love my old man cardigans; they are scholarly and warm (and have nice pockets for tissues) but it sure does feel good to put on a nice shirt and a corduroy jacket every once in a while.

So, let’s circle back to my first statement: everyone should wander around naked. We should not fear our bodies. We should not fear other people seeing our bodies. That’s what I say. I know I’m not perfect, but there are some nice things about me. And hey, the fewer clothes you wear, the less laundry you have to do! So, take it off!

We’re not meant to go back in time except in our memories. If we were all still sitting in our pajamas in the cozy hallway of the 4th floor at Kentwood Hall, we’d be laughing and acting this scene out by now. But, we’re grown up, graduated, and moved on to different lives and different cities. So instead, we’re chatting about it on Facebook IM. Me in my purple thermal jammies in my Kansas City apartment (with a kitten on my lap!) and Carrie in Springfield sipping her Sam Adams or Merlot.

We rarely get the opportunity to chat these days so we have to make the most it when we do. Tonight, after catching up on the current events in our lives, we easily slid into silly girltalk. We discussed the joy that is scratchers tickets (Carrie likes the Bingo ones best and my stepdad likes to put them in our stockings at Christmas–there you are caught up) and the sadness of being in line at the lottery winnings place (does it have a name?) behind someone who is claiming a $200 prize when you were happy about your $5 winnings.

I decided the lottery winnings place would be a prime place to meet a guy–a guy with cash. No, I’m not a goldigging skank, but let’s be realistic, a man who can support himself and has a little extra cash is generally a more appealing (potential) mate than a man with no dinero.

So, why not try to pick up a cute guy in line at the lottery winnings claiming place? Why not go for the gold? Why not spin the wheel of love? (too much?)

Sample pick up lines:
“i see you’ve recently come into some cash. wanna buy me a drink?’

“wanna buy me another chance at my jackpot?”

“and you thought all you won was $50″

“i hope you didn’t steal that because you already stole my heart.”

“wanna rub a few bucks together?”

“wanna see your return on investment?”

*note, some of these lines can be modified to be dirty, not just innuendo-y! We’re so versatile in our tacky creativity.

In fact, to really do it right you’d need to get all glammed up, maybe be checking out with some strawberries and champagne, and just strike a conversation. It would be completely normal, right? IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME, RIGHT? oh, wait.

Obviously, someone would have to tape this brilliant display/debacle and the witnesses would be dying laughing. In fact, this may sound like a stereotype and I hope this isn’t taken in an offensive manner, but I would pray that there’s a big black lady and maybe one of her friends in that line or nearby because they would ham it up. Really, any innocent bystanders would just add to the overall merriment.

Of course, neither of us think we are truly brave enough to actually do this. Maybe we could get the third member of our posse, the LBC, to do it. I am of course referring to Gentri. Carrie and I would whisper, “Let’s see if G will do it.” (and yes, in college we really did–excuse me, DO– have a posse called the LBC. We had a meeting night and special glasses among other things.)

Thus tonight, after giggling (haha-ing) about how we’d have to be drunk to do this, Carrie proposed that we all get together some weekend, video tape the scenario, but have Nick be the winner, and show “how to meet guys with cash” with us going after him. We’ll be famous on the YouTube. Imagine it with me, “The LBC Presents: How to Meet Guys With Cash.” We’ll be the next big meme. But this time around, we’re upgrading from Busch Light.

After more than a decade apart, the New Kids on the Block (NKoTB) have reunited with the impressive single, “Summertime.”

They’ve come back as a service to all. We ladies are being taught how much our tastes have matured, and the gents are being served up a step-by-step guide to hooking up summer love. So here it is y’all. The NKoTB Guide to Summertime Love. Don’t forget to take notes.

Lesson 1: Group dance in a inappropriate place. This tells the ladies that you aren’t afraid to take a risk for her love. Throw in pelvic thrusts so she knows you’re a real man.

Lesson 2: Matching outfits are cool. They show you belong even if you are a rebellious bad boy.

Lesson3: Keep your weird buddies in the back, in corners, and generally out of sight of all the hotties. Use them as your errand boys if you must. You’ll lure a philly from the pack as an offering.

Lesson4: No Matter where or what you are doing, pretend there is a dope beat in the background and choreograph all of your movements accordingly. This takes practice- you may need to practice in the bathroom mirror. This is normal and natural.

Lesson5: While you’re in the bathroom practicing your moves, take advantage of the acoustics to perfect your falsetto. Girls dig a man who can sing higher than them.

Lesson 6: Ask her if she remembers. She probably doesn’t, but it makes you look sensitive and sentimental. Feel free to make up a memory, but be careful and don’t overdo it. Make it something simple like “remember that time you were walking on the beach in those short shorts?” Don’t forget to chuckle.

Lesson 7: Have a special talent that differentiates you from your posse: weightlifting/running, ballroom dance, motorcyles, general badassness, or yahting. This tells the ladies that you have an identity outside of the group.

Lesson 8: Reunite with your former boy band even though you have a successful movie career and are regarded as a sex symbol and serious actor. No, you’re right, it just shows you aren’t embarrassed about your past. Way to do the unexpected! (I’m talking to you Donnie.)

Lesson 9: Use former song titles and lyrics as pickup lines. She’s probably too young to know any of your old hits! Hey, you’re an environmentalist, recycling is good for the planet. JACKPOT!

Lesson 10: Make her wonder if you’re really a spy. Wear shades, text group messages, get your old team together, and arrive in a helicopter.

Lesson 11: Tell her you’ll put her in your next music video. You won’t have to keep your promise because you won’t make another video because your comeback won’t last longer than one summer!

OH-OH!

You may have noticed the new header on my blog. Featured in 2 of the pictures (along with me) is my brother, Brian. Please take a moment to oh and ah over how adorable we were. “ohhhhhh, ahhhhh”

Done? already? But, I’m covered in chocolate pudding and enjoying it immensely! And did you see the one where I’ve got my butt up in the air?

So, taking a page from Tammi, I’m posting about 10 things I learned from my brother (Hi BooBoo!!!) I couldn’t completely copy her, being that I don’t have a sister. (well, I have 2 stepsisters, but I’ve only met them once.)

10 Things I Learned from My Brother

1. Dryer lint is an accelerant. You can use it to start or rekindle a hesitant fire.
2. Lifting your middle finger and putting the rest down is called “flipping the bird.” Don’t show your dad.
3. How to build a computer.
4. A fantastic line of expletives that I simply cannot post. but it still makes me laugh. (and yes, i will recite it for you if you ask)
5. Cheap whiskey isn’t so bad.
6. How to drive a car with manual transmission. (yeah, I was careful on that wording because I just don’t do incest jokes…a lot.)
7. You’re the “social” Leas child. Scary since you’re an introvert.
8. How to change your oil and pretty much any and all car maintainence that you pretend you don’t know.
9. What all those noises are on the airplane.
10. How to pack a car.

to the tune of “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix-A-Lot

I like lolcats and I cannot lie
you other bloggers can’t deny
“Kitty got Lolz”

[Intro]
Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her cat.
It is so stupid. *scoff* She looks like,
one of those internet cats.
But, you know, who understands those internet geeks? *scoff*
They only talk to her, because,
she looks like a total haxor, ‘kay?
I mean, her cat, is just so stupid.
I can’t believe it’s just so crazy, it’s like,
captioned, I mean – gross. Look!
She’s just so … geeky!

I have many; most are titled cleverly, some are titled merely “Post #xxx.” There is humor, angst, sadness, epiphany, quotation, meditation, and admiration contained within these unpublished drafts.

My friends call me a free-style crafter–unlike my project and pattern oriented gal pals, I tend to just do and envision as I go. I have been knitting the same peach scarf for over a year; I bead and take apart, I knit a hat that was meant to be a purse.

Every part of life is a rough draft. I used to tell teachers I was no good at rough drafts because–I always had a fragment of something I would later make whole. Who and what I am now is just a rough draft. Only when I die will I pen the final draft. Until then, I consider these next few things to be unwritten paragraphs, sections, and chapters. Who knows, maybe I am a living triology! You hobbits watch out!

Career. I began unsure what I would end up doing and afraid of not being in love with my career. I found path, and that path found me. I love internet marketing. There tends to be a negative connotation associated with marketing, but like anything, there is the good and the bad. I know someday internet marketing and I will part ways. What else will I do?

I would like to own my own business. I am not sure what kind, but it will be mine and I will have a bookkeeper because I hate paying bills. I can manage cashflow in my head, but when it comes to paying bills, blah.

I will be a published author. My models and mentors are Sarah Vowell and Bill Bryson. They write from life, from history, from the everyday ordinary. These writers experience and expound with humor and enthusiasm supported wholly by wit and fact.

I would like to run an inn or a bed and breakfast. My grandmother had a B&B just off the Country Club Plaza and very near the Nelson. My bed and breakfast will be somewhere picturesque. My kids will be in college so I will need something new to nurture. Why not nurture the weary traveler? the anxious vacationer? the ambling connoisseur.

There is more, but, until then, save and continue editing.