I am the queen of analogies.
Not only have I compared things to parfait, cholesterol, cars, and really fat people on ice skates, but I’ve done it AND people have gotten a better understanding of whatever I was trying to explain.
Just thought you should know.
I’ve lived in attached housing for past 4 years. Though I now pay a mortgage instead of monthly rent, I still share walls with other people. For the most part, I don’t hear much from either side. Occasionally, I hear the click click of high heels on floor, or children wailing (only happened once.) That said, there are several things I hope my neighbors never hear from me.
There are things I’m okay with my neighbors hearing. If I’m yelling during a major televised sporting event, that’s cool if they hear it. It proves I have interests and a life and I’m well rounded and not just a girl who buys makeup and hangs out on the internet. It might also show them we have something in common if they are watching the same sporting event. We might bond! I also don’t care if they hear the vacuum cleaner or shop vac. I always wait until at least 10am and never vac after 10pm, but it lets them know I’m a mature adult. Shush. So, maybe I just bought the vacuum last weekend, but I totally had one (2, usually broken) at my apartment. And don’t forget the shopvac.
In the Year 2000…men around the world will suddenly stop what they’re doing, break into a knowing smile, nod slowly, and hug themselves with an appreciative rush that they were created as men. The severe appreciation will propel them to new research to alleviate the suffering of women everywhere and on January 15th, 2010 a breakthrough will be achieved. They’ll disrupt the space time continuum, launching back to that day in the Year 2000, taking the knowledge with them, and reducing suffering of women worldwide and thus, women everywhere will suddenly stop what they’re doing, break into a knowing smile, nod slowly, and hug themselves with an appreciate rush that men now bear all children.
* Facebook wouldn’t let me post this as my status update because it was too long
I have a nemisis. It is the giant snow plowed mound of snow to the left (or right) of my driveway. In fact, I hate the plow mounds everywhere. Somehow, I ended up with the largest plow mound on the block.
Tonight’s idea was so exciting that I can’t sleep until I share it with you. (really, I got out of my toasty bed and am now sitting on the floor in my guest room by the window where I can feel the cold seeping though)
Yes, I have a plan to repurpose my mound and yours! All mounds be gone! We are going to get bull dozers (or whatever those big scoopy trucks are) and dump trucks and haul the snow away to a field. In that field we shall create the largest snowman ever. Or an igloo. Or an ice cream shoppe.Or an entire city.
I think it’s a practical approach to Kansas City’s snow removal problem. “We built this city…we built this city on snow snow snow!!!”
My qualifications are pretty simple so you’d think I’d be attached, but apparently they’re not as simple as I think.
So here are the things that will win my heart and undying love:
Hmm, that’s about it right now.
Screw being funny. Screw having a job. Screw being fiscally responsible. Screw being interesting. Screw being attractive. (beauty is in the eye of the beholder)
Apply within.
Bonus points if you are willing to do the following household chores:
In exchange, you get all of the following:
Remember, I’m hilarious, sweet, and pretty smart. And I make my own money.
CAUTION! If you do NOT want me to fall in love with you, please do none of the above. Do not demonstrate superior trivia or winter weather driving skills. Do not demonstrate an ability to keep house. Do not in any way prove to be useful, lovable, or interesting.
Think this would make a good ad?
I am saddened by people who do not drink coffee. Not because it’s really sad, but because of the happy I associate with coffee. I have a weekend ritual to have coffee with my bff (yes, I just said BFF- HI TAMMI!) and it often motivates me to get out of bed and tends to lead to interesting turns of events (evidenced here here and here.) (did I get the pluralization correct? eh.)
Other benefits of coffee aside from the caffeine content:
So, while you wait for the coffee that bring such wonderful feelings consider filling your time with the following:
The great thing about some of the items on the list is that you feel even better about getting them done because you did them before you had your coffee.
Earlier this year I wrote that I was going to post as I was thought about it. This hasn’t happened. I have several drafts for things I’ve wanted to share, but haven’t. I haven’t felt like I had the right words. I’ve questioned how people will react. I’ve wondered about making people uncomfortable.
Recently, I read a post by on Copyblogger.com called “How to Stop Making Yourself Crazy with Self-Editing” by Sean D’Souza. The main idea I took away was that we need to stop editing so much and just write. Isn’t that how they say we get better? Isn’t that one of the main themes in any creative writing class? Write.
You work on exercises to stretch your brain. You open up your imagination, heart, and you have no time to edit.
They call this stream of consciousness. I’ve been watching the Emmy’s and tweeting my opinions. I’m a little upset that Neil Patrick Harris lost to Jon Cryer and that Jim Parsons lost to Alec Baldwin. In fact, Jim Parsons became (and still is) a trending topic on Twitter but most of the comments are junk. NPH is hosting with some crap material but he’s still good. Jimmy Fallon is hilarious.
9pm and it feels like 10pm Sunday night.
Let me go back to the beginning of today. I awoke and shortly after a heard my phone ding- yes, I keep it by my bed (it’s my alarm! and what if I wake up and can’t sleep and feel like getting on Facebook or Twitter? or texting? or checking my email? and well, it’s my clock so I know how much sleep I’m not getting) Boys don’t like this about me. (it was before 7am so I figured it was Tammi because no one else is awake and texting me that early- usually.) It turns out the text was from my dad. Suffice it to say (trite!) I was surprised, but in a nice way. The highlights of our text conversation where his joke when I told him I had exciting news (me: I’m buying a house. Him: that’s better than being pregnant – indeed Dad, indeed!) and when I told him I’d just email him since his phone was dying and he LOLed at me.
Lately I’ve been telling people and myself to “step back.” Pull yourself out of the moment and really look at the whole situation. Imagine, my dad texting me and us having a fun conversation. My mom has been trying to text lately as have Tammi’s parents. Anyhow, I followed up with a cup of coffee and getting to the coffee shop on time and securing our table! Coffee was exceptionally fun today with upbeat banter and adult humor and friends.
You know what, if this is growing up, then I say, thank God.
It’s true, I was nearly arrested at the local coffee shop this morning as I enjoyed my almond poppyseed muffin and soy latte.
Having survived an intense week with my morale intact, but my energy slightly depleted, okay significantly depleted (is it naptime yet?), I decided there was no reason to change out of my Missouri State tee (it’s a privilege to be a Bear) and Snoopy (THE RED BARON!) pjs, nor did I feel it necessary to tame my bedheaded, floofy hair. (hey I showered before bed so I’m clean at least!)
I think my appearance was a surprise. I do generally muster up the initiative to at least put on a pair of jeans and a shirt and control my hair, but not today. Now that you have that pretty picture in your head, let’s move on.
Not long after my arrival at the coffee shop, Tammi said hi to a patron who had just entered the shop. When I turned around I was staring at a uniformed, on-duty member of the Kansas City Police Department. (he confirmed that Cops hover at QuikTrip)
Being the punchy charmer that I am, I joked a bit to break the ice (okay, maybe it was a joke about saving a cat from a tree which means I’ve confused my uniformed rescue operatives, but I HADN’T HAD MY COFFEE YET). And then he took out his notebook. Dude, wait, what?
Apparently, policemen’s are now awarded points for meeting citizens. I may be receiving a call from the policeman’s supervisor to confirm that we did, in fact meet. Dear Supervisoring Police Person of Interest, this is to declare that I did in fact meet, or actually he met me, Officer Mark Carrel on July 25th at The Friendly Bean. We all chatted about our Blackberries and Officer Mark taught us many valuable items about the law and being responsible citizens. We also discovered that everyone knows Officer John Lozano. (I met him while working at KCPD Headquarters the summer after my freshman year of college.) I digress…
Somehow, my appearance (I PRETTY!) became an unlawful act. It’s true. It SHOULD be illegal to look this good so maybe I should have been arrested for disturbing the peace or “the piece.” *wink wink*
Our new buddy, Mark indicated that I was not in fact disturbing the peace and would not be arrested.
Can’t win em all.
Brian and Beth Engagement Dinner?
I just returned from Springfield, MO where I was part of a tiny little event called “Boo-Boo Takes a Bride” or “The Wedding of Beth Medley and Brian Leas.” Oh, by-the-way, Brian is my older brother and Beth is now my sister-in-law (which feels totally cool to say, but still sorta weird!)
Brian and Beth met for the first time on Sunday, February 2nd, 2004. Apparently, I also met Beth that day but had no recollection. (Did I mention it was my friend Carrie’s 21st birthday party where they met?) They didn’t start dating until a coworker/friend matchmaking scheme hooked them up in 2007. Brian had recently purchased a house and Beth was working on her MBA. Before too long, they had a dog and two kittens together and Beth moved into the house where she slept on the couch.
Proof of their first meeting. Brian was the one "with the sister." And yes, I was that fat. See, makes my current level of fatness seem almost skinny!
The courtship had its bumps, but isn’t that the true test of a relationship? If you can’t move past challenges because you truly care about someone, then you shouldn’t be in a relationship. (the same is true of friendship) I don’t think you can say you are in a relationship until you have to deal with the fact that people are not always going to act, react, or think the way you want or expect them to. Let’s get off the soapbox and move on to the fun stuff…
Every girl dreams of a giant engagement ring and a sweet proposal. Brian delivered on that dream when he proposed to Beth with a Ring Pop at Mr. Bulky’s (a candy shop) at Battlefield Mall in Springfield, Missouri. After she said yes to the candy ring, they headed to the jewelry store and picked out a real engagement ring, which he later used for his formal proposal.
Much to both mother’s delight, the vows took take place in a Catholic church thus removing the pretense of a chastity cot as the couple is no longer living in sin.
So Happy Together- la la la
Driving down to Springfield on Thursday I thought about how quickly the weekend and the wedding would be over. That before I knew it, the event would be a memory and I’d be on my way home again. I think that is the key reason why I feel disconnected to major events in my life. I try to avoid them because the time will pass anyway and the event will be over so quickly. I often ponder how I will feel or what I will think. Standing on the altar watching the vows was an interesting experience. I felt sort of removed, yet, there I was, my feet hurting and my knees locking, contorting my face as I struggled to keep my composure. It was some sort of mixture between crying and smiling that I just wouldn’t let myself express.
As I drove home Sunday night, the day after the wedding, I pondered that drive from 3 days prior. Yes, the time had passed. I’d been busy. I sweated. I hugged. I cried. I showered a lot. I wore pretty clothes. I got a new sister. I realized that my brother’s life had just changed forever and with that change in his life, a change in my life came- a good change.
Beth is good for Brian. I questioned the relationship at a point when Brian didn’t seem happy- he’s my big brother and he takes care of me! He’s a great guy and deserves nothing but the best. Once I met Beth and saw how much Beth loved Brian, I was sold. They really just “fit.”
Two topics that come up with family when your brother gets married: 1) when are they going to start having kids? and 2) when are you going to get married? HALT. I confess to enjoying and openly participating in baby-having (and baby-making; duh, of course I’m the one cracking the somewhat crude one-liners ever so subtly) conversations. I want to be Aunt Katie. They’re going to have adorable, smart, wise-ass little babies and I need to help cultivate the youth and I need someone other than cats to spoil.
Beth plays the coy bride as she prepares to toss her bouquet.
It was a bad sign when the bride threw the bouquet and it hit the ceiling- dropping to the ground at the feet of a little girl. I tried to grab the bouquet from the little girl while it was still on the ground and then as I recounted the incident to my cousins (who saw it) I said I wasn’t proud but kids shouldn’t be able to stand to catch the bouquet and in an effort to further assert my rightful claim on the winning catch I proclaimed a zealous, “I’m 28 bitches!”
I call this "bouquet of humiliation." This is perhaps the most flattering picture ever taken. H-O-T. My hair is thinking about auditioning for a remake of the Flying Nun.
Keep in mind I was the third oldest woman in the group, followed next by the Maid of Honor and then the age dropped off to 21 and younger. MY TURN, kthnxbye! Or at least one of the two over 25. I ended up with a single flower from the bouquet which I said meant I’d just have a child out of wedlock. *sigh* The American Dream. Maybe I won’t even do it the old fashioned way. Yeah, maybe I’ll get artificially inseminated!
Family congregated from all over the country to witness the vows. My mom’s family is a bit larger, so they naturally out-staffed my dad’s side, but how great was it to see my uncle Steve, my step mom, Joanne, and my dad!
When I first walked into the hotel lobby, I was truly struck by the similarities in mannerisms between Brian and my dad. After 12 years, I’d forgotten that they walk the same, hold their heads the same way, stand the same way. I also saw myself at times (around the eyes.) Maybe it’s only with your parents that you can have a long gap in time but when you finally see each other again, feel familiar. The image I will always have of my dad when I think about him will always be slightly younger, shining his black shoes at the kitchen table. I wonder, is his image of me always of the little blonde girl? Will I forever be 6 years old in his mind’s eye? Will Brian, now married, always be 8? It may not be possible to accurately describe the feelings. I found myself on the low end of loquacious as I was absorbing the situation and just “being.” I also find it odd to be around both my Dad and Bob at the same time. I love them both as fathers because that’s what they are. They’ve both known me at different times and only now are overlapping in their experience. What would this post be about or how would it read if penned by one of them? Both would be proud of Brian. Very proud.
Post wedding, the Wedding party, including the Bride and Groom, congregated back at the Maid of Honor’s house to finish off the beer. I am still debating with myself if it was a mistake for me not to go and socialize with the other people who were close enough to be included in the wedding party. To be honest, I was exhausted, there was drunk potentially being gotten at the gathering (which I really just don’t do any more), and I really just wanted to shower, get in my jammies, and chill with family. My entire family is never together and even on my mom’s side, the family is usually only all together once a year. I also truly enjoy chatting with my aunts, uncles and of course, my cousins. I also figured the Bride and Groom would only “make an appearance” and then be on their merry way to go about relaxing .
I got to spend quality time with family though which was capped by good, girly cousin time. When did those girls get so old, smart, and pretty? And when did they all get so busty?
So, now the couple is in Carmel, California enjoying the cool, rich people’s beach and maybe running into former Carmel mayor, Clint Eastwood. I hope they at least eat at his restaurant.
Brian and Beth Photo Booth- or "We're a couple of goofballs."
We all have alter egos. Last Thursday I called mine Cupcake. Here’s the backstory.
Every quarter my company hosts an outing for the employees. It’s a nice way to get everyone out, moving, thinking, interacting, and destressed for an afternoon. One department takes the hosting and planning reigns. This quarter, for the first time ever, my department (yep, I have one) was given the hosting honor. Past outings have been to the Royals Home Opener, Powerplay KC, a KC Amazing Race (note to self: never wear cowboy boots on the day of an outing again), and a KC area scavenger hunt.
I am now completely convinced of 2 things: my department can make some cash on the side by opening a costume shop and we totally have the Halloween costume competition in the bag. Planning was fun and the ladies in my department totally took the initiative to get everything done, leaving me to “supervise.”
Thus on Thursday, June 25th, we presented “Company X’s* Got Talent.” The ladies headed over to our venue early, leaving me to corral the troops. After two all pages on the intercom, I headed to the main conference room where I proceeded to stand on the conference room table and give direction. Once everyone was informed of the plan and numbered off, I lead them like little ducklings to the scene of our talent show. Let me just say, I was impressed with the creativity that came out of my fellow coworkers.
We rewarded them with an afternoon of beverages and appetizers at the Marquee downtown. Oh yeah, and the winners got tickets to AMC.
My role in the event was that of hostess, whereby I dubbed myself Cupcake. I was the unifying voice (ha!) My job was to be loud and funny.
Here’s where this gets to be something I’d actually write about on my personal blog. I’m not an extrovert. I’m a performer. They are not the same thing. I still need down time, chill time, me time. I process everything at a highly internal level. I am more likely to turn inward and analyze and process than to express and seek outside contact. I still love being with just one or two people at a time. But, I got up in front of 40 people and stood on a table. I got up in front of 40 people and cracked jokes. I got up in front of 40 people and handed out awards. I worked the tables. Sober.
And the week before, I was at a conference for 4 days where all I did was talk to people. Me.
Of course, I left the outing around 5:30 (this is also when Michael Jackson died) and fell asleep by 7:30pm. Thus proving that it takes a lot of energy for me to be so outgoing and engaging.
Anyway, I’m proud of myself and I’m not ashamed to say it. Where I am now, who I am now sort of blows my mind some days. I never thought I’d be here. And that gives me hope for all of the dreams that are yet unaccomplished.
Your Hostess, Cupcake with the judges.
*you don’t need to know where I work
Created by Philip Norton
