Tremendous Blondette

I haven’t taken a full week off work since about 2006 or 2007. The most I’ve taken has been 3 days consecutively and was at the end of October 2009 when I moved into my house. It was days spent packing, trudging back and forth, up and down the stairs to the dumpster and my car – in the rain.

Anyhow, I took a few days off in August as well (3 Fridays and 1 Monday) but I planned this lovely week off to just be. I hope I can allow myself to relax. And I hope my employer can allow me to relax.

So, most people ask “what are you going to do?” Well, I’m going to read; I’m going to nap; I’m going to get up and sit on my couch and drink coffee; I’m going to clean; I’m going to decorate!

My goal is to finally get my bedroom in a lovely state and “Autumn-ize” my house. Hopefully, I will have pictures for you soon.

Give me that old-time religion,

Give me that old-time religion,

Give me that old-time religion,

It’s good enough for me.

It seems that Blondette has lost its brilliance. I don’t know if it’s due to the darker dalliance or if it’s simply a transitional time.

Regardless, I seek to find that spark that once compelled me to point out how you might be Katie Leas, important life lessons, and how to win my love.

I was perusing the Twitterverse when I came across a link to Brainzooming. The particular post that caught my fancy was “25 Blog Posts You Could Write Today.” Wah? Yes, friends. Yes, I can.

A lot of what I write tends to be observation and reflection. I throw in the occasional list for comedic value, though my own fumbling somehow tends to be more amusing.

Oh yes, the point, you ask? Well, I need to get back to my old-time religion! And by that of course I mean I need to write more frequently!

I spend a lot of time being idealistic and thinking about what’s possible. The catch is that I think too much and act too little. Lately I’ve been realizing that part of my unhappiness is that I have no one to share my life with. (yep, that’s a preposition ending my sentence.) When I was growing up, I had my brother. In college, my roommates. But for the past 4 years, I’ve been living completely on my own. It definitely has its perks, but as time goes on, I miss having someone to come home to and chat with. Someone to wake up  to and chat with. Someone to watch the same program on television and share commentary. Someone to cook with, eat with, and do dishes for. I love my alone time but it seems far less fulfilling.

There are pieces of bookcase sitting on my living room floor. They’ve been there since yesterday morning when I dragged the box from the kitchen, tore it open (slowly) and removed the contents. I was fully intending to construct the bookcase yesterday, but after surveying the components and realizing that I needed to grab my tools from the closet (as if) I quickly lost motivation. Back  to the couch I went until it was time to meet Tammi for coffee at Starbucks. (yes, we still do that)

Still sitting in my kitchen (gallantly propped against the dishwasher) is the box containing the bedside table that I really need to put together. I’m currently using a Rubbermaid container as my nightstand. It was okay for the first couple weeks, but let’s be honest, shouldn’t I have actual furniture by now? The answer is yes.

I spent today lounging, napping, and reading. I feel only a sliver of guilt, but I do have to make sure I am mindful of getting proper rest. Oh, and I worked hard on Friday to clean and rearrange my house – to the determent of healing my broken toe. *note, if you break a toe, it’s probably not a good idea to shove it into shoes and move furniture within the first 2 weeks of healing. Unless you have one of these breaks where they tell you to shove it into shoes. (mine isn’t like that)

Back to the rearranging of my house! Furniture rearranging is on my list of things that make me happy. It clears my chi. It’s refreshing.

freshly vacuumed, dusted, and rearranged...ahh!

Oh, and I’m officially closer to my 30th birthday than my 29th. (yesterday was my half birthday)

Oh yes, tomorrow I am attending a class to get my concealed carry permit/license in the State of Missouri.

Be afraid.

There might be renditions (okay, severe karaoke butchering) of Aerosmith’s Janie’s Got a Gun.

the sight of bright yellow stripes on the road against wet pavement.

carry on

Until yesterday, I’d never cried on an airplane. In fact, I try to keep crying, particularly crying in public, to a minimum. It embarrasses me and the shame and awkwardness I feel is just unnecessary when I already feel shame and awkwardness due to my weight. I went through a phase where nothing reached me and I simply did not feel that burning leap that comes with the rush of whatever happy or sad emotion generates the crying response. And then it was back. And it was really back. So back that very small things would bubble up. In fact, I can’t card shop at Hallmark these days without welling up (I’m not kidding here, just so you know.)

On that flight I came to realize that I’m depressed. Officially and completely, depressed. The signs and symptoms have been around for months, but I’ve been trying to slog through them and for whatever reason, I am simply no longer able to “slog.” If I’m not sad, I’m angry. If I’m not angry, I’m anxious. I have no motivation to keep a clean house or make myself presentable. It’s some sort of miracle that I’ve kept any momentum on eating healthier and exercising given my motivation issues. I can only hope this means that the worst has come and I’m pulling out of the trance because I’m doing something to save myself.

So now, I look to my family, friends, God, and I turn inward…and I take Xanax.

I am the queen of analogies.

Not only have I compared things to parfait, cholesterol, cars, and really fat people on ice skates,  but I’ve done it AND people have gotten a better understanding of whatever I was trying to explain.

Just thought you should know.

Best Friends Forever by Jennifer Weiner
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

It took me a while to get into this book. I wasn’t sure about the plot and then I struggled with a character with whom I too closely identified. My life and struggles do not compare to Addie’s but I dealt with them in very much the same manner. HOT…APPLE…PIE for me was when I got on an airplane and couldn’t buckle my seat belt. I’ve flown fatter, but let’s face it, that’s pretty sad. I thought maybe it was a fluke, but sure enough, it happened again. On a little puddle jumper, a stewardess caught me not able to buckle and leaned over and very stoically asked, “do you need an extender?” “Yes, please.”And that was my moment. Adding Jordan was something I couldn’t decide if I liked or found cheesy. I wanted Addie to find someone, but really? And it was a little too perfect that she was pregnant. Overall, I felt like it was a little contrived and could have focused more on the actual best friends. However, I did sort of like seeing everything wrapped up in a nice package.No matter what struggles I had with the plot, I still love Weiner’s writing style and her ability create interesting characters. Once I got into the book, I genuinely wanted to finish it.

View all my reviews >>

I ended up starting a new blog for all of my “I’m soo fat! *waaaah waaaah waaahh*” posts. On it, I actually will talk about my continued quest to eat healthy and figure out how to incorporate exercise back into my life. Here’s the URL: http://fatladykatie.wordpress.com/

It’s the busy season at work (yes, I know it’s always busy, but this is the busiest!) so I’m doing a lot more traveling and pulling longer (yes, it’s possible) hours than usual. I struggled earlier this year with balance and motivation. As I approach my 30th birthday I spend more time evaluating my goals and the current state of my life. I’ve devoted my twenties to my career, but I also know that as a woman, the longer I wait to fulfill my other goals/dreams of having a family, the harder it will be to fulfill them. It’s scary. It’s scary to think that I may never have those other things and that I will have to seek purpose and joy from my career alone. I’m pretty sure the consistent weight gain of the past 7 months is directly correlated to my stress over my life evaluation. I stop and wonder “who’s going to want me?” It depresses me so I put it out of my mind and focus on something else – thus avoiding the problem all together.

So, what do you do readers? How do you face the music?

Also, I’m blonde again.