Tremendous Blondette

…and not get caught (unless you want to.)

It’s quite simple if you want to fart in public and not get caught. Yes, these methods have been tested. In order to fart in public, and not get caught (and I’m talking really breaking wind here- rippin one, an SBD, crop dusting, etc) you must simply create diversions of sound, movement, humor, deflection, or another odor.

Here’s how it’s done:

Sound

1. drop something- a book, a passel of CDs, something that makes a loud bang, thud, or shattering noise.
2. wear loud shoes (easier for women wearing high heels)- no one will hear your fart if you wear loud click-clacky shoes! just make sure you are actually making them go click-clack when you go thrump-poot.
3. start talking loudly- you might catch someone off guard, or even out-right scare them, but they’ll be in so much shock from your scaring the crap out of them (good opportunity for them to get a fart in too- it’s a fart party!) that they won’t register any sort of disturbance in the force

Movement

1. Quickly evacuate the scene. “Haul ass” if you will.
2. The popular “crop dusting” technique would fit under this category as well- this is where you disperse a series of lower level, smaller “mini-farts” while walking.
3. Stroll off non-nonchalantly.
4. Become very interested in something just over yonder.

Humor

1. Own your fart. Laugh it off.
2. Make it into a public joke. (or a private one) Ever heard of “pull my finger?”

Deflection,

or “it was the dog.”

Okay, you can totally blame that stinker on the dog, if you’re near one, but if you’re out and about living your life and freeing your intestines of the oppression they suffer at the hand of your bean burrito, stand next to:

1. an old person- Sorry, but who’s the more likely candidate?
2. a teenage boy- again, sorry, but who’s the more likely candidate?

Another Odor

Either time the release when you are in a highly oderiffic area, or bring the odor to area.

1. gas pump- ha, yes, you too are a “gas pump” of sorts, but hey, if you’re out there, you may has well let it rip because the air is already so full of the smell of gas, what’s a little more?
2. fish counter- nothing competes with that horrid smell; I guess the fish has gone bad…
3. perfume spray- maybe you’ll make people sneeze which totally means they won’t smell your stink bomb
4. lotion smelling- HERE SMELL THIS! (heh heh)
5. flowers- mmm, take a big whiff! don’t these smell great?!

So, there you go. Those are some basic methods for farting in public. And as an added bonus, here’s a little ammunition to fuel the testing:

Things that make you fart:

1. Beans
2. Cauliflower
3. Carbonated Beverages
4. Dairy (in some people)
5. Beer
6. Artificial sugars/sweeteners
7. Broccoli
8. Apples

And how about some other causes of flatulance for good measure?

Toot-a-loo!

Last night I stayed up far too late in order to finish a book. It wasn’t because I liked the book; in fact, I felt it was twice as long as it needed to be. No, I wanted resolution. An ending.

Don’t we all want resolution? It keeps me up at night. (well duh)

I found pieces of myself in the flawed characters of the book. The girl who was raped and couldn’t bare to be touched; or if she was, completely disconnected from her body (no, I was never raped); the alcoholic mom (I’m not a mom) who struggled to face her truth. I’m struggling with the possibility of this truth. The kids stuck in the middle. The friend who’s been through it all and just wants to help. I spent the book just wanting to yell at the characters to figure it the hell out. Say it out loud. Face it. Own it. Strangely, I’m quite good at owning and facing my flaws. I was each one of those characters. It could be why I didn’t like the book but will remember it.

I believe in some ways I’ve been grieving. Sounds odd, but it’s true. I’ve also used things to mask reality and cope with the truths I did not want to face about myself, my life, and everything that I cannot control. I stripped myself of some of these masks.

I think people who move a lot as children share a common trait. We all have an itch and an intense need to ponder “where next?” This restlessness keeps us on edge; always waiting for the end; always waiting for the next time we have to adapt. We wait for people to stop caring and have an ability to close part of ourselves off and walk away. It’s not because we don’t truly care; it’s because we have to protect ourselves somehow.

We are who we are. We live our choices. We must accept our truths but must not limit ourselves by them.

Because I’m cheap I often offer life lessons in exchange for goods and services. Life lessons help build fine moral fiber. (and trust me, I’ve already paid for them)

I’ve decided that I should share a life lesson here each week. Lessons range from funny to heart-wrenching– just like life.

Be here for the exciting series of embarrassment and learning better known as Life Lessons by Katie.

As I was driving home from knitting (where I knat knot) the idea for this post struck me. Yes, it was a force! (okay not really; it’s more like a gentle creeping thought that’s been lingering for a few weeks.)

I can’t seem to pass a building, watch a movie, or hear a song without remembering an event or person. Usually, it’s a person. And usually, it’s a person I miss or am not as close to anymore. For example, I cannot take the exit from 152 an North Oak without thinking about: OFR, Tammi, vodka, and trivia. (bastards took away my trivia!)

This evening it was a CVS Pharmacy that stirred me. Of all places to remind me of someone it was so not the likely candidate. But there you go.

Let me back up for a minute too- yesterday was deja vu day (and you thought it was just “Sunday.”) I woke up and got a “wanna get coffee text.” (it’s been awhile so I was excited). That of course stirred thoughts of other times- breezy spring days, warm summer mornings, chilly autumn Saturdays filled with venti soy Pumpkin Spice lattes, books and giggles. Then I saw a dead bird by my stairs which reminded me of the time when I just kept seeing dead birds and started to get a little freaked out thinking that it had to be a sign of impending doom. When I got in the car I couldn’t flip to a radio station that wasn’t playing a song that was absolutely tied to one of two people.

So, my whole being was pulsing with nostalgia. Has anyone ever talked about about how much nostalgia hurts? Cuz, it does. Nostalgia is not warm and fuzzy. It hurts in that maybe if my insides knot up enough they’ll form a vortex to the past and I’ll be transported back in time to when things were happy and when I didn’t know that someday I’d be thinking and feeling back to these moments wishing I could do something so crazy as feel so intensely that I erased the pain and made it all better.

If you followed that, congratulations. And also, welcome to my brain at 11pm.

My new quest is trying to make memories that are just about me and not tied to other people. I could say it’s me trying to assert my independence, but really, I think it’s because I want to have a few things in life that aren’t masked in the memory of others because nothing gold can stay.

With all this hype and negative opinion, I thought I would set the record straight in defense of H1N1 aka Swine Flu.

1. Let’s start first with the superficial; it has a cool name! It’s catchy! [I've made the "it's catchy" joke several times and generated zero laughs though far ]
2. It’s drawing our attention away from other fun, contagious illnesses such as impetigo and STDs!
3. Remember the Bird Flu? I know, I like, totally forgot about it too!
4. It’s bringing people together in terror, hate, stupidity, and fear. Awwww, I love mob mentality.
5. Hey, at least it’s not one of the other types of Influenza A or B comprising 39,827cases in the 2007-2008 season. (Swine Flu Fail:  226 cases, 1 death) [quick math: 2007-2008 225,329 specimens were tested; 18% (39,827) were positive for Influenza comparatively something like Swine Flu or H1N1 would make up .5% of the positives.]
6. It’s reminding everyone about proper hygiene and how we spread illness.I totally saw a sign at the clinic when I took my mom to the doctor and they have those fun wipes at the grocery store!
7. The drug companies are making more money!
8. More lolcats!

Cheer up Sunshine!