Tremendous Blondette

Naps are a beautiful thing-just ask Tammi or one of my 3 cats.

*Not pictured: Tammi

Just like anything else pleasurable in life, there are rules that must be followed to ensure safety is maintained. To make sure everyone understands proper napping etiquette, I’ve created a handy guide to the rules of napping. I guarantee (sorry, no refunds) if you operate under these rules, you will enjoy many hours of unconscious bliss.

The Rules:

1. Pets: Pets can greatly enhance your napping experience or greatly hinder your solitude. If at all possible, take 10 or 15 minutes pre-nap to vigorously play with pets. (I prefer the feather on a sting attached to wand type toys as I have to do little work to get maximum cat exertion. Laser pointers also work well.) This will help make sure your pet is also ready for a lie-down.

   They may also join you once you’ve settled on your napping surface. If said animal is prone to attacking feet or other body parts, consider feeding animal to deter them, playing with them for several minutes, or locking them in another room. If none of these options are successful, consider screaming in pain and terror. Your shrieking is likely to confuse or scare the attacking pet.

   Sometimes pets are ready to snuggle. Once you’ve removed their butt from your face (what? your pets don’t sit butt first on your face? hmm) move slowly and gently into your desired position, being aware of the pet on or beside you. Generally if you follow these rules of movement, the pet will reposition itself with little issue.

2. Blankets: Blankets are an essential item for napping. Even if you do not start off needing one, pretend you’re a boy scout and be prepared. At some point during your napping experience, you are likely to get a chill; a throw blanket should be easily accessible.

   Only you know what texture and weight of blanket works best for you. It is recommended that you have several diferrent types of blanket for changing conditions. *

   As with many other satisfying experiences in life, length is important. You, the napper, should be able to comfortably cover your feet and pull the blanket up under your chin for maximum benefit. Frozen toes can ruin a nap.

   *I prefer very soft blanks such as chenille, fleece, or fake fur.

3. Pillow(s): It is advisable to try a different approach to pillows when napping versus going to bed for the night. You may find you enjoy a thinner pillow, or even no pillow while napping. The goal is to be comfortable, but not to completely settle in for the night.
4. Bras: It is advisable to remove bras while napping if the bra contains an underwire. If you are in shared company (aka not alone) it is best to keep your bra on unless you are tempting a guest. See #7
5. Pants: Pants are optional when napping. If possible, remove them, particularly if it is hot and you have been sweating. Your bits need to breathe. This is not advisable if you are not alone or with people who will not appreciate your pantslessness. Like bra removal, pants removal can also be used to tempt a guest napper. Use with caution.
6. Position/place: couch, chair, bed

We recommend sleeping on your stomach if on a surface that allows extension of the body (couches, beds, floors). If you are napping on your bed, we recommend sleeping with your head at the opposite end (foot) of the bed. If you choose to nap in a chair or at your desk (it’s possible) we recommend complete exhaustion (for believability and really, who can sleep in a chair or at their desk unless they are hungover, on drugs, sick, or just completely sleep deprived?), use of Benedryl or other allergy medications, or . If you are caught, you will need a good excuse for your sudden unconsciousness. We also recommend getting a book on narcolepsy and positioning it within easy view at your desk or on a side table. In dire cases, open a browser tab or window (GET TABBED BROWSING PEOPLE) and open it to a web search for narcolepsy.

7. Guests: Guests can be a very rewarding add-on to a nap. However, sometimes guests are unwanted and repellent techniques must be employed to get rid of unwanted interlopers. (See #1) Repellents can be fake snoring, moaning, hogging of blankets, hogging of space, excessive and/or inappropriate touching, body odor, flatulence, or excessive chattiness.
8. Lights: We recommend leaving some light on for napping unless nap is being used to cure a headache or migrane. If possible, find a nice sunny spot and enjoy the warmth.
9. Noise: The only noise recommended during a nap is that of a television or music. All other noises should be avoided. Take defensive measures if necessary. Television and music must be non-scary or overly loud.
10. Time: Naps should not be started later than 5:30pm in the evening and should end by 7pm. It is best to nap in the late morning or early afternoon (I enjoy 3pm naps) for maximum benefit.
11. Length: Acceptable length of nap depends on the following variables: health of napper, time of day, and day of week. If napper is ill, the rules of napping do not apply. Time of day will constrain napper if and only if nap is not begun by 5:30pm and ended by 7pm. Day of week will limit napper to time of day depending on napper’s schedule (work, school, housework). Take advantage of precious Saturday and Sunday hours to nap, but try to keep the length to 4 hours or less.
12. Frequency: Multiple naps can be taken during the course of one day as long as they fall within the time guidelines set forth in #10. Naps can be taken daily if necessary or desired.
13. Food: It is generally not recommended to eat before a nap that is to last between 45 minutes and 1:5 hours. Shorter and longer lengths tend to give the body the time to digest, but overeating prior to napping can lead to stomach aches, heart burn, and acid reflux upon awakening. Major holidays such as Thanksgiving are excluded from the eating prior to napping rule.
14. Contact: contacting a napping person is rather a tricky business. You must respect the nappers need to cut off from the sound of his or her phone. For this reason, please remember the following:
    • You may call someone who is known to be home napping within 15 minutes of discovery that they intend to nap. After 15 minutes you are being rude and trespassing upon valuable relaxation time. This rule does not apply if napper is bound to obligations and has only a certain window of time in which to nap. If napper has 1 hour or less for nap, the 15 minute rule no longer applies and you’re a jerk if you call them.
    • You may send text messages during naptime. This includes multimedia messages (aka pictures of your cats). These are fun to wake to and nappers feel very important and loved when they wake to several messages.
15. Responding: Responding to calls and texts while napping is not advisable. You must not allow people to tread upon your bliss. If you recieve a call within 15 minutes of napping, you may answer at your own risk. I recommend caller ID. Replying to text messages is okay, but be aware that if you reply people know you are somewhat awake, therefore I recommend only replying if you add a disclaimer that you are still in naptime bliss. You may also simply read the messages and not reply until you have decided you are finished with naptime.

Remember, these are merely basic guidelines for napping. Used properly, these rules will guarantee happy napping for years to come.