Tremendous Blondette

“but remember when i moved in you
and the holy dove was moving too
and every breath we drew was hallelujah “*

The morning of my college graduation, I sat in my messy dorm room in preparation of the commencement ceremony. I found myself listening to “Hallelujah” on repeat. (That’s a little Jeff Buckley right there.) It is a song that haunts. Soft and pressing, it’s also like a ball bouncing around in your chest, rebounding on every inner longing until you feel like you are going to pop. [Some of you may remember the Rufus Wainwright version of this song from the movie "Shrek." I hope you are not having visions of green ogres exploding.] While the lyrics aren’t particularly applicable to the event of graduation, the passion and conviction in the execution is dead on. I can’t listen to Hallelujah without the swelling need to hold on to something intangible.

I almost didn’t graduate college on time. As it were, I was on what is often referred to as “the Five Year plan.” Like any good member of the Five Year Plan, I landed myself on academic probation for a while. What I didn’t learn in the classroom (because I didn’t show up or because I fell asleep) didn’t matter. I already knew what it was to excel in academics—school was never hard for me. Been there, done that, ruined a few curves. When I wasn’t in the classroom learning I was learning a lot about other things. Yes, there was a lot of drunken stupidity and irresponsibility, but there was also a lot of friendship gained. Most people experience certain things when they are adolescents; I needed to catch up to my peers.

After paying the price of poor decisions, I had to be disciplined and responsible. My last year of college was long hours, scattered sleep, lots of Taco Bell, a serious case of strep (which may have actually been mono), bronchitis, and conscientious student behavior. I had more than one “must win” situation my final semester of college. Thank goodness I excel under pressure.

I can still see the yellow legal pad that I used to document each task that needed to be accomplished during that last month of school. (We’re talking 20 page papers etc.) I made it through commencement chewing gum (against the rules) and singing “Jingle Bells” (it was May) and whispering to my friend whom I was fortunate to get to sit by.

So, it’s obvious that I’ve lived a life of accomplishment and failure. Sometimes the accomplishments are flat and provide much less excitement than anticipated. It could be that I become numb and cannot believe that I’ve come out the other end.

Congratulations, but Why Are You Telling Me This?

I wasn’t going to write tonight. After working on client projections for several hours with my laptop growing hotter by the second, I felt only the desire for a supine position and a cool breeze. But, the nagging part of me that feels guilt for not doing what is good for me (and something that brings me fulfillment) drew me to my computer. It’s like working out or eating right. It takes a lot of effort when you’re tired and stressed out and all you really want to do is go into a coma or disappear from existence until you’ve forgotten why you were so tired and stressed. Amidst the 50+ drafts longing to be adopted and given a home on the published side of this blog, I knew which I was going to choose for this Tuesday night. Surprisingly, I ended up stopping mid-post to finish another entry.

Robert Frost said “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: It goes on.” According to Frost, this means that no matter what we achieve, or fail to achieve, life still gives you the chance to keep trying. We cannot stop it except in death or incapacitation.

It’s pretty exiting when you realize you always have choices. Sure they aren’t always pleasant, and can be complicated, but you always have a chance to live your dreams. Your dreams may change- maybe you found the gold at the end of the rainbow, or maybe you decided that you no longer wanted to find the gold? And what of the journey? (No, I am not going to quote more Frost at you.) Don’t discount the beauty of the path that takes you from beginning to end. The path is where you see the daisies, hopping bunnies, and babbling brooks. It’s where you sprain your ankle tripping over rocks and meet the cute doctor who becomes more than your doctor. (I’ll stop there before I end up writing a romance novel.)

It really seems there are two types of goals and dreams: those that involve a set end point and those that are themselves just the beginning of something new. I can dream of getting married, but that is far different from a dream of a happy marriage. I can dream of reaching a goal weight and running a 5k, but that is different than being fit and healthy for the rest of my life.

My main goals (say it with me now!) are to get married, have a family, finally reach my fitness goals, and be a published writer. I doubt these goals will change, but what will I want once I have achieved success in each of these? Granted, marriage and fitness are ongoing, so once they have been achieved initially, one must create new goals for maintaining and deepening what one has already achieved.

What do you dream when you’ve lived your dream? What happens when you succeed in reaching the summit? Do you just give up and say “well, hell I can die content” and drift or do you say, “now I want this” and start a new adventure? Do you rest in contentment, or do you pursue something new?

I think you just have to constantly set new goals for yourself and keep dreaming. But, what is the difference between a goal and a dream? A dream is an ambition, a desire and a goal is an objective.

You can mould a dream into a goal, but a goal is not a dream. They have different spirits. I daydream constantly. Sadly, there’s a paradox that comes with dreaming. Dreaming keeps me sane-providing release, distraction, and hope; but it also forces me to evaluate the true state of things against the ideal state of things. It can feed despair and depression.

Graduating college was a dream and a goal. Once I had achieved it, I had to focus on the next step: finding a job. And not just a job, but a career. And not just a career, but a career that made me happy. And when that career no longer satisfies me, when my dream changes, I must set a new goal.

We never stop dreaming. There is always something else. There is always something we could do differently. Somewhere else we could live. Someone new we could meet. Opportunity and choice is always there.

*If anyone is interested in listening to the song, let me know.