Tremendous Blondette

The theme song to “China Beach” rings in my head as I contemplate the state of my life. Last Thursday*, during a meeting with my boss (who happens to be the president of the company)–a meeting in which I was expecting to be yelled at, extensively–he suddenly broke character when he noticed the scratches on my arm.

My boss wants me to get a life, and more specifically, a man. He’s moved on past “get a hobby” to “get a man or you’ll end up like my unmarried sister with 5 cats (HEY, I ONLY HAVE 3!) living in a 3 bedroom condo (as if! I totally can’t afford a 3 bedroom condo, yo.)”

I am successful at a great many things. Relationships with men, not at all. That side of my life has always been a little bit stunted and messy (read that how you will.) I’ve basically given up. My current focus is on myself, my career, and my cats. THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH HAVING CATS! (I’m telling myself as much as all of you.) Okay, really, the only thing I’ve focused on is work, keeping my cats alive, and wondering how to find and fit someone else into my life and whether any man would want to be found and fit with me. Strangely, I’m feeling less than fulfilled with my life.

“Reflection love, the way life used to be…” (this is the way I hear it–I think it really goes: “reflections of, the way life used to be”)

Once again, I’m reflecting. I know you’ve all just had coronaries because it’s just so shocking that I’d reflect on my life (it’s sort of egotastic to think about oneself so much, isn’t it?)

I want shoes. I want accessories. I want a new bed. I want pretty new clothes. I want someone else to do my laundry and dishes. I want to figure out how to have all these things, a career, and a healthy relationship.

I do want balance between my work and outside life, but I find it very difficult to focus on taking care of myself. You see, I am a “giver.” I give myself to my employer. (not in that way yo!) I give myself to my friends. What’s left is me saying “hey, it’s okay to slack on giving to yourself.” (ha.) I overcompensate by indulging in the wrong ways. I think a sex binge with a monogomous partner would be much healthier than a few nights at OFR, but that takes me back to problem number one.

*(this is now about a month or two ago because I started this and put it aside)