Tremendous Blondette

Everyone thinks they are a good driver. I know the truth.

There are no good drivers, merely different styles of drivers. I decided to highlight a few of the most common types. Be prepared for some shout outs–even one to myself!

1. The Self Important Asshole. Always in a hurry to cut you off, block you in, or use his high beams for no reason.
2. The Johnson County Driver. Often found in clusterfucks due to improper knowledge of defensive driving and affinity for getting lost anywhere outside of Overland Park, Lenexa, Leawood, or Olathe. Will cut you off in their bumbling state.
3. The Grandpa. *coughRobcough* Out for a cruise every time they are behind the wheel. May drive an automatic with 2 feet. May stop at yield signs. Content behind the wheel.
4. The Reckless Endangerment. Not just a speed demon. Accelerates needlessly. Drives 50 miles per hour down a residential street. Tailgates in hopes of making people change lines even when there is no space for lane changing. Does all these things on bridges.
5. The Cruiser. Windows down, top down, music kickin. Often alternates between “The Grandpa” and “The Smooth Criminal.”
6. The Slingshot. Never content to be in the lane they are in. Convinced they can bypass all other cars and eventually gain the elusive open stretch of road. Often has a touch of “The Self Important Asshole” or the “Reckless Endangerment.”
7. The Soccer Mom. Often drives an obnoxious, needlessly large vehicle in the name of lugging children and equipment even though a 4-door sedan or station wagon would suffice. Believe they are exception to every rule of parking. Probably complain about the cost of gas. Beware of the Johnson County variety.
8. The Punchy. Cannot maintain a consistent speed. Causes people to pass them only to reappear as they are passing the person who just passed them. Slows down and must once again be passed. Oblivious that this is annoying.
9. The Overly Defensive, Defensive Driver. A little on edge, they are trying to be the best darn driver that ever drove! Often highly frustrated by other drivers’ failure to obey traffic laws –written and unwritten.
10. The Pushover. Their motto is “Go ahead.” If you need to cut someone off, they are your best option. Often identified by the excessively large following distance or slow rate of acceleration.
11. The Smooth Criminal. Does not drive the speed limit unless they must. Takes calculated risks. Excitable and defensive driver bordering on aggressive. May be named Katie.
12. The Out of Towner. Unfamiliar with local customs. Slows down and stop sometimes in the middle of a street. Most likely to be rear ended.
13. The Bad Driver. No one knows how this guy got his driver’s license. Should rely on public transportation.

I’m a Smooth Criminal. I fear the speeding ticket and fiery crashes but I trust my abilities and my car.